RUMP Headquarters, 2 August 2006

Kennedy compound in Hyannisport, Massachusetts

The role of the Woolley clan in Talossan politics draws inevitable comparisons to that of the Kennedy clan in the United States. Like the Kennedys, the Woolleys are politically invulnerable on their home territory, and are known to retreat from the public eye to their secretive family compound, where Sir Jack used to make his kids play touch Talossan football on the compound lawn to hone their competitive edge for the political arena. Unlike the Kennedys, however, the Woolleys are not known to have drowned or raped anyone, and are not drunk all the time.

In some respects, however, Sir Jack out-Kennedys the Kennedys. Most Kennedys have just one Kennedyesque nickname, but Sir Jack has two: "Jack" and "Bobby" (see "Little Known Facts" below). He is carefully grooming the Woolley scion (Patrick "Patch" Woolley - it doesn't get more Kennedyesque than that!) as his political heir.

While Senator Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts last won re-election with a paltry 73% of the vote, Sir Jack won his latest term in the Senäts with a remarkable 93% of the vote. Sen. Kennedy managed to split the opposition vote almost evenly between the Republican Party and the Libertarian Party. Sen. Woolley simply got himself nominated as the opposition party's candidate as well as his own. And the only other vote cast for senator in Florenciâ was for -- another Woolley!

Suspected Woolley compound in Mancos, Colorado

Clearly, Sir Jack and his political machine, referred to in guarded whispers as the "Mile-High Mafia," rule Florencian politics with an iron fist. So completely does he dominate the political landscape in Florenciâ that other Coloradan-Talossans have had to turn to other provinces to find Senats seats. And his influence extends beyond his own province in other ways as well. At the beginning of the current political era, he managed not only to destroy both opposition parties (the MN and the ZPT), he also carefully orchestrated the creation of a new opposition party with a close personal friend and fellow Florencian at the helm!

Few Talossans have had a greater impact on Talossan demographics than Sir Jack. In this respect he resembles another historical phenomenon: the Irish Potato Famine. He has swelled our population with wave after wave of migrating friends and relatives. Here lies one of the RUMP's best hopes for winning some future election: we still have family members who aren't citizens of Talossa.

Yes, the Kingdom of Talossa would be a much poorer place without Sir Jack. All loyal Talossans owe him a debt of gratitude for his many contributions to Talossan government, law, culture, and heraldry. Here's to our SoS! Captain Mayday, we salute you!

Little Known Facts About Sir Jack

1. As an ordained deacon, Sir Jack is one of few Talossans who may legally perform marriages. 2. Contrary to the information on his personal web page, Sir Jack's last name is actually a nickname, given on account of his woolly beard. This is why his daughter has a different last name. His son Patrick shares the same last name because Patrick is starting on a woolly beard of his own. 3. It is a little known fact that Sir Jack is also a world champion trap and skeet shooter. 4. Sir Jack's motto, "Cor Unum," is Latin for "One Core." One of his passions is geology, and therefore he is well aware that the Earth has only one core. 5. Sir Jack is fluent in Latin, Spanish, French, Italian, Middle English, German, Talossan, Klingon, and !Xóõ. Sir Jack only has basic conversational proficiency in machine language. His binary name is 0101001101101001011100100010000001001010011000010110001101101011. 6. As a member of L'Urðëri dal Naziun, Sir Jack originally wanted the post-nominals of the order to be UpN (Urðëri për la Naziun), for the sole reason that UPN is his favorite television network. UPN was, of course, the home network of the series "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." 7. Like Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi, Sir Jack believes that the plays attributed to William Shakespeare were really written by an Arab named Shaykh Zubair. More knowledgeable Talossans, however, understand that Shaykh Zubair was actually an Arabic-speaking Berber*. 8. Sir Jack is often thought to have been a political adversary of the former King Robert I. In fact, Sir Jack is former King Robert I. See for yourself! 9. For this reason, Sir Jack often refers to Patch as "Mini-Ben". 10. Sir Jack secretly wishes he were a RUMP member.

Roast image courtesy of Jeff Bucchino, "The Wizard of Draws"